Stunned Into Silence: A new first

Something happened today, something weird. Keep in mind, weird for me as an college-student-seeming 86 year old vampire is far beyond the confines of regular weird. I was visiting a bookstore this morning, nosing through the vampire section, minding my own business, when this person spilled orange juice all over my new blouse. Of course, my initial reaction was to scream "how dare you" in the shrillest voice I could muster, but when I made eye contact with this person, my internal monologue, normally teeming with wit, went silent. This face held the bluest, warmest eyes to ever meet mine. In his hands, he held a copy of Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire, and I can finally say that I understand what "swoon" really means. After apologizing profusely, and offering to dry clean my outfit, he made his way to the register and out the door. It was at this moment that three equally horrifying thoughts hit me all at once - One, I made it approximately three minutes without nary a stunned utterance (huge, I know), two, I will never see him again, and three, he smells human. How could I have fallen into the vampire stereotype of being a tortured soul with a soft spot for a human love interest? Maybe I'm reaching with the "tortured soul" bit, I don't know, but the soft spot is there. In all of my years, I've learned that when you find something that makes you feel special in a way in that you have never felt, you cannot deny yourself more of that feeling. These weird glimpses into happiness are what make the world continue to spin for humans and vampires alike. I will do whatever it takes, even if it means making the bookstore my second home, if I can find happiness in one of these glimpses again.

Oh my Dracula

I have been receiving a lot of questions about vampire myths because suddenly everyone seems to think that I speak for the entirety of the vampire community or something. Although that may not be true, for the benefit of you lucky readers, I will be addressing some of these questions from my perspectives and experiences. One of my followers, an avid Twilight fanatic from Milwaukee named Jessica, came right out and asked me if vampires sparkle. Please, dear Dracula, someone find me an oxygen tank because I think I just might just die from laughter. It's hilarious to me that humans have concocted this delusion in which vampires are clearly discernible from any other regular human on the street in daylight. The reality is, vampires are your neighbors, your bosses, your friends, and the baristas who serve you your hot grande skinny pumpkin spice latte, no whip. They do not sparkle or become engulfed in flames with contact to sunshine. Now that that's all cleared up, Jordan from LA wanted to know if I suffer any adverse effects when I come into contact with garlic. Last night, when I came back from the usual shenanigans of bar hopping and painting the town red and all that, I opened the door to my apartment, and the smell of garlic essentially slapped me in the face. Seriously, it smells like my roommate rolled around in a pit of minced garlic and then painted the walls with the leftover juices. Other than the nagging sensation that I wanted to essentially vom, the garlic did nothing to bother me more than it would the average garlic-loathing human. If you have any other vampire myths guaranteed to make me laugh, make sure to send them to my email seeingredfordays@666.blood

On Blending In

If you have any plans to make it in this harsh, harsh world as a creature of the night, there are a few things you must know. First of all, you are not going to make it as long as I have if you only feed from the vain. It's a lot easier to get caught if you have to worry about not only bystanders, but your human who will likely develop PTSD. A convenient alternative is a human blood bank. I know, nasty in theory, but you can always use a microwave and a meat thermometer to get it to a scrumptious 98.6 degrees. Make sure to look for banks large enough that they don't know a little red stuff has gone missing, but small enough that the're disorganized to the point where they also might not notice a missing pint or two. You will want to get good as masquerading as a human, not that it's hard in the first place. Just smile, hide your incisors, and tell them to have a nice day. My final piece of advice is to avoid blood buses at all costs. I completely understand, that beaming red blood bank on-the-go looks like a beacon to vampires everywhere nearing snack time, but it's just a disaster waiting to happen. You will be shocked to know that humans actually have a blood bus action plan for a vampire attack and it is not pretty. It took three whole years before my hair grew back enough to look as sublime as it always should. Heed my advice, and you'll be feeling full and fabulous forever.

Give me human blood or give me death

I'm just going to come right out and say it - I have a secret obsession with all things related to vampires. I hope that there's something more to it than a vanity or an egocentric compulsion. As for what that could be, nothing comes to mind, but I digress... I've read the Vampire Diaries books, watched all of the Vampire Diaries episodes, went through a little Twilight phase where I read the books in succession seven times each, went to the Twilight "Breaking Dawn" release party at Barnes & Noble, binge watched all of Buffy last spring on Netflix, and I have a vampire "wine" glass for reds. How can you not get a little confidence boost with all of these vampy things around? Well, as I was reading, I came across this supremely hilarious notion of vampires being able to sustain themselves on vegetarian diets. Essentially, some of these fictional vampires will spare human harm by feeding on living things of the animal variety. It's maybe not vegetarian in the human sense, but requires a billion times more restraint because it's absolutely vile. Yesterday night, I was going for a peaceful little stroll in the woods when I happened upon a white rabbit. Before your imagination runs away with you, I did not follow it down any type of hole whatsoever. Anyway, I picked it up, cradled it in my arms, and once I was able to get past the mouthful of fur, I took a sip. That one itty bitty sip was all I could handle, thank Dracula. First of all, the hair is a deterrent; second, taking from such a good-natured defenseless creature is a lot to mentally handle; lastly, rabbits don't eat anything I enjoyed nomming on when I was human, so why would I think for a second that I would enjoy the taste of iron and cabbage? Give me human blood, or give me death is what I say.

The "Buffy"

If you've ever seen Vampire Diaries or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or whatever, there's this elite group of humans chosen by some unseen force from who knows where. Vampire Hunters or Slayers are tasked with preventing “creatures” like myself from preying on innocent, unsuspecting humans via slaying. It sounds a little out-there so there's no way they could possibly exist, right? Wrong. Today one of those vile serial vampire murderers came after me. You would assume I know better by now, but you know that silly little thing they say about assuming? The gist of it is, assuming makes butts out of both of us. Some puny Buffy wannabe assaulted me behind the blood bank. First, rude; do you understand that I go to the blood bank to spare you humans the alleged horror of the bite? Second, these imposters may not be as deceptively strong as the mythical Buffy, but they sure can run. You see, the Buffy is mythical like Santa Clause is in the human world. Yes, I enjoy Christmas specials, get over it. You're told this big fat lie about him and his present giving ways when you're young because your parents want to keep you in line. Well, after being turned into a vampire, all of your other vampy pals convince you for your first ten years undead that Buffy is an actual living breathing thing with super strength and an innate yearning to slay. It's really for everybody's protection; no inexperienced vampires attempt to out themselves to the human world, thereby offering us to human authorities on a shiny platter, and the rest of us continue the tradition of keeping it hush-hush. Anyway, watch your back for even the weakest of these imposters; If you don't, you could find your undead immortal life cut short.